Living LIFE with Body Image ISSUES.

Holy cow! It's week four already! Oh how time flies. This week is the glorious topic of body image!

It's funny... if i go through this blog from the last 6 years i have posted SO MANY super honest, raw posts about my battles with depression, anxiety and an eating disorder. Thinking about this now, it's NO WONDER i wrote a book about these SAME issues. :)

Here is a post i made on March 10th, 2011

" The worst worst WORST part about seeking help for my eating issues is finally truly realizing that binge eating WONT make me feel better...and starving myself afterwards is not correct 'punishment procedure' after a binge.

My coping mechanism for ANYTHING at all has always been eating, including right now. Consuming way more cookies then deemed necessary after eating a large meal i didn't even enjoy, doesn't logically make sense. ...Which is VERY interesting considering how logically i live my life is most other manners.

Could you IMAGINE how much we could do if we didn't feel any hindering emotions? If we didn't feel lonely, unworthy, over weight, 'stupid', inadequate? It sounds glorious doesn't it?

Now a days as I'm eating, I'm constantly aware that food won't change these horrid feelings; which in essences, takes away even the smidgen of 'happiness' that i used to feel from binge eating.

Add to the fact that there is NO REASON to stave myself or even take 'punishments' for my 'bad [eating] behavior'. All of this new reflection, awareness and change makes me feel like I'm drowning in a new way I've never felt before.

Coping, escapism, growing, learning, asking for help... My life right now is especially hard in ways I've always felt and never concurred.

There are days when i don't feel like it's going to get any better...that I've ever going to fully feel alive... but I'll just keep on swimming. The current has to slow down a little bit along the way, so i can at least coast until the next larger waves break.

Honestly and Sincerely,
Jenipher "

I also found this one on my blog a few months later about being THANKFUL for my hair after my eating disorder.

It's really crazy pants how much i LOVE food now, and just a few years ago i didn't ALLOW myself to enjoy food...

But alas! I am SO GRATEFUL i am able to enjoy food now! Yay progress!! 

-Jenipher

the REAL me.

When i heard this song from Natalie Grant, it was like i was listening to a song i have composed in my head hundreds of times if i didn't have writers block. 

 

 

It hits so very close to home.

Once i found out it had to do with her struggle with an eating disorder it felt like it was my home. 

Eating disorder or NOT, if you struggle with self esteem issues, then you will resonate with this song.

cheer up buttercup!

Jenipher :)

I'm thankful; for my hair.

When i was in the thick my eating disorder i was losing my hair. I have naturally curly hair which makes it appear thicker and easier to work with, but by the time i reached my lowest weight, i couldn't even put my hair in a pony tail without it falling right out.

On days like today, where i feel like i need to lose weight, when i feel like a beached whale, and when i feel like I'm a failure because i had too many sweets this week, i put my hair in a pony tail and think what a miracle it is to have my body functioning again. It's exciting that my hair has come back to adventure with me during these next trails of life. 

Unless a medical issue has occurred, it doesn't seem likely many people would be so grateful to have a head of hair, but to me, it's a constant reminder of how far i have come, the trails i've been through, and reminds me of the bright future of ups and downs that's to come.

Opperation: well-doodle.

I'm going to ignore the fact that i don't like my font on this doodle. I won't even mention that it bothers me it's not 'pretty' enough... because fact is... 'the doodle is as beautiful as i'.

There's a car dealer at my job who told me twice now
[in his Spanish accent];
"You are as beautiful as your dooodless"

Well...This doodle isn't perfect, but it is loved just as much as i am, even though i'm not perfect. If you've been reading my blog for a little while, you know that i have been constantly struggling with eating issues the past two years. I have to CONSTANTLY remind myself that even though i'm gaining weight, i am still beautiful. My beauty is NOT defined by how small my waist is; how smart i am; and how talented/successful i am.

I am beautiful because i am genuine.
I am beautiful becuase i am flawed.
I am beautiful because God made me this way.
And I'm so very thankful He did.

YOU are so beautiful!!
love, Jenipher

Life with Eating Issues.

The worst worst WORST part about seeking help for my eating issues is finally truly realizing that binge eating WONT make me feel better...and starving myself afterwards is not correct 'punishment procedure' after a binge.

My coping mechanism for ANYTHING at all has always been eating, including right now. Consuming way more cookies then deemed necessary after eating a large meal i didn't even enjoy, doens't logically make sense. ...Which is VERY interesting considering how logically i live my life is most other manners.

Could you IMAGINE how much we could do if we didn't feel any hindering emotions? If we didn't feel lonely, unworthy, over weight, 'stupid', inadequate? It sounds glorious doesn't it?

Now a days as I'm eating, I'm constantly aware that food won't change these horrid feelings; which in essences, takes away even the smidgen of 'happiness' that i used to feel from binge eating.

Add to the fact that there is NO REASON to stave myself or even take 'punishments' for my 'bad [eating] behavior'. All of this new reflection, awareness and change makes me feel like I'm drowning in a new way I've never felt before.

Coping, escapism, growing, learning, asking for help... My life right now is especially hard in ways I've always felt and never concurred.

There are days when i don't feel like it's going to get any better...that I've ever going to fully feel alive... but I'll just keep on swimming. The current has to slow down a little bit along the way, so i can at least coast until the next larger waves break.

Honestly and Sincerely,

Jenipher