The worst worst WORST part about seeking help for my eating issues is finally truly realizing that binge eating WONT make me feel better...and starving myself afterwards is not correct 'punishment procedure' after a binge.
My coping mechanism for ANYTHING at all has always been eating, including right now. Consuming way more cookies then deemed necessary after eating a large meal i didn't even enjoy, doens't logically make sense. ...Which is VERY interesting considering how logically i live my life is most other manners.
Could you IMAGINE how much we could do if we didn't feel any hindering emotions? If we didn't feel lonely, unworthy, over weight, 'stupid', inadequate? It sounds glorious doesn't it?
Now a days as I'm eating, I'm constantly aware that food won't change these horrid feelings; which in essences, takes away even the smidgen of 'happiness' that i used to feel from binge eating.
Add to the fact that there is NO REASON to stave myself or even take 'punishments' for my 'bad [eating] behavior'. All of this new reflection, awareness and change makes me feel like I'm drowning in a new way I've never felt before.
Coping, escapism, growing, learning, asking for help... My life right now is especially hard in ways I've always felt and never concurred.
There are days when i don't feel like it's going to get any better...that I've ever going to fully feel alive... but I'll just keep on swimming. The current has to slow down a little bit along the way, so i can at least coast until the next larger waves break.
Honestly and Sincerely,